I don’t know how some girls are 100% straight like have you seen girls
I don’t know how some girls are 100% straight like have you seen girls
Without exaggeration, this year has hands down been the hardest year of my short life (keep reminding myself that I’m still young).
Toward the end of last year, a friend that was there for me (and I him) through every thing, no matter what it was, was no longer accessible to me as a friend for various personal reasons on both of our ends. I got through the anger, the sadness, the indifference fairly quickly. However, we were friends for 8 years, a good chunk of the 22 I’ve been alive. So over this past year, as things have come up, I’ve still had to work past the whole not having him to call thing. I do have a great network of close and good friends/family, and by no means have I not gone to them; you just get used to always wanting to discuss things that come up in life right away with that one friend you connect with on so many levels, your best friend. He and I talk again, it’s good to know things are okay. It was just interesting and yes, sometimes hard realizing that that friendship wasn’t there anymore throughout the year.
Things that I need not discuss have happened in the lives of my closest friends and my boyfriend that have hurt me emotionally as well. I get so caught up in other people’s emotions, things that hurt them, hurt me too.
My relationship with my mother has been pretty rocky as well. I no longer live with her, and I thought that would help with us, however in some ways I feel it helped to spawn more issues. Toward the end of summer of this year, she decided that she was going to move to North Carolina with a friend for many reasons, and I mostly disagree with them. This move was huge for her, and somehow a lot of the responsibilities that came along with it rolled down the hill onto my shoulders. This caused/is causing a lot of resentment and even more tension in our relationship. Not only was her leaving hard though, it was the also the realization that all of my immediate family has now left San Diego. I have cousins, but no one gets together. My Aunts and Uncles are mostly A-holes or missing from life, one is battling cancer…my cousin Rusty, who has always been one of my very best friends (we call each other best cousins), has been off doing his own thing. So its been lame not hanging out with him and his girl like we used to. I’ve felt very lonely.
This past year I’ve made a lot of bad choices concerning money and school as well. Coming to that realization was a huge slap in the face (from myself) and dealing with it has been stressful, depressing, and is going to continue to be difficult, though I know that I HAVE to deal with it.
These things are not the end of the world, I am aware. Though Ive had various panic attacks, bouts of depression, stress, and anger over these things, I can and will fix them.
The event this year that really made it the worst year of my life, and not just another bad year happened November 10th.
My grandma died.
I know people die. I’ve known people that have died. I had a friend lose his second battle with cancer as a teenager. He was such an amazing person. I’ve had aunts and uncles and pets and family friends and a Grandpa pass and I’ve been able to handle the grief and move on.
But my grandma is and always has been the most special person in my life. She has been there since I was a little girl, for EVERYTHING you could imagine. My mom couldn’t have raised us kids without her. I was the luckiest in elementary school. Grandma picked me up everyday and I’d go hang out with her until Mom got home from work. Sometimes we would run errands, sometimes we would go to Grandma’s house and do yard work and gardening, hang with Grandpa, color, read, go through pictures, or I’d do homework if I had any. On the first Wednesday of every month I’d go to lunch with Grandma and a group of ladies that had all retired from Cubic with her. Grandma called me her shadow, I followed her everywhere. I’m Grandma’s girl. We even share the same birthday! The past few years have been rough for her from a medical aspect. She had a surgery, a stroke, she’d been in and out of rehab, and her dementia was just getting worse. I guess it’s one of those things that we all should have seen coming, but I just wasn’t ready for it. I’m still not ready for it. Everything I know about being sad, grieving, being angry, even being happy doesn’t apply here. I can’t figure this out. I know that Grandma would want me to be okay, happy even. I am happy that she’s not in pain, I really am. But I can’t put anything else together. I’m okay and then all of a sudden I’m not. Things that I don’t think will set me off do. I feel sick. I feel like something’s missing. I don’t know what to do.
But even after all of this, I know that there has been a bright side to this year, and so I know I can get better and I can move on .
First, I finally moved out of my mother’s house and into my own place with my biffle. She’s the closest person to me, my best friend, my blood sister, my family. She’s been through a lot this year too, but she is so strong, and so inspiring. We’ve been through everything in our lives together, every phase, every friend, every event. It’s incredible that I can say that I’ve had a friend since day one and that she’s still here, that she’ll always be here. It’s insane to be able to say that there is a person that knows everything about me, that I’m closer to than anyone ever, and she’s not even my blood or married to me. I’m so happy that we finally have our own place after talking about it since we were little kids. Not only that, but it’s great to finally have my own space after so long of sleeping on a couch.
Second, I’ve been with Garrett for the past year. Our relationship hasn’t been perfect, but I think that’s what makes it so great. We’ve already seen every side of one another, the good and the bad. He’s seen me scream like only my mother has. I wouldn’t even include the bad parts of our relationship in the rest of my shit year, because he’s made up for every single shitty argument, and I hope I’ve done the same. He’s been by my side through every crappy experience this year. He’s given me loads of great advice, (even though sometimes I didn’t want to hear it), and he’s made me laugh every time I needed to and more. He was there when I found out about my grandma. I couldn’t breathe, think, see, and he took care of all of that for me. He helped me breathe, he got me to her, he cried with me, next to her. I can’t even believe that. He was right there. He has been my better half, and now I get that.
The holidays have been extra hard. Thanksgiving I couldn’t breathe. Garrett came with me to see my Auntie who is recovering from a surgery, my grandpa, and then to Azar’s mom’s house. I was comfortable there, as I always will be. We left to go to Garrett’s family dinner, and I started to freak out a little. I didn’t want to be around anyone that I wasn’t 100% comfortable with. But I went for him. And for Grandma, because I know she would have wanted me to. His family is great, I love all of them. I did just fine until the food was all brought it and I started letting my mind go. I had to step into the bathroom to let a little cry out.
Tonight I was at the store. I started looking at some of the Christmas stuff and had to leave. I went from okay to not okay in a split second. I kind of took it out on Garrett. He didn’t deserve it at all, but he took it (sort of). And even though he knows he didn’t deserve it, I know that he’ll still be there. He understands more than I could ask him to. I can’t imagine not being with him, but no matter what, I will always love him for helping me through this.
SO I cannot wait to say BUHBYE to 2013. Hello to making things better, and thank GOD for Azar and Garrett or else I might not have seen a bright side.
I am not the first person you loved.
You are not the first person I looked at
with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges
of a knife. We have both lived with lips
more scar tissue than skin. Our love came
unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our love came when we’d given up
on asking love to come. I think
that has to be part
of its miracle.
This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You
will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms
will bandage and we will press promises
between us like flowers in a book.
I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat
on your skin. I will write novels to the scar
of your nose. I will write a dictionary
of all the words I have used trying
to describe the way it feels to have finally,
finally found you.
And I will not be afraid
of your scars.
I know sometimes
it’s still hard to let me see you
in all your cracked perfection,
but please know:
whether it’s the days you burn
more brilliant than the sun
or the nights you collapse into my lap
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane.